You know what a good name for an Earth Wind and Fire cover band would be?


..."Water"

Who Are You People?

No seriously. I have a counter that shows around seven hits per diem on average. One day last week I got 32 hits, at least a few of which weren't me reloading. I know certain friends read this blog semi regularly, but I don't know anybody from Poland or Tennessee.

I Crave Attention
So if you came here randomly, or by clicking my sig in some other page's comment thread, please be so kind as to leave a comment. Why/how did you end up here?
Nobody ever leaves a comment, so if you do, it will make my day.

I Bet I Still Don't Get Any Comments
You've got some attitude problem, mister.

Attn: Strangers, sorry my blog is so, what's the word, craptacular.
Attn: Friends, I am sorry for nothing.

all the cool kids are doing it
Was looking forward to Halloween, but the local comic store where I've been working part-part-time flooded from last night's hail and so I got called in to help clean up. Liberating a toy from its packaging is a great feeling, but opening 400 soggy Hot Wheels cars is actually not so much fun. So I was tired, and when Nate called to fill me in on the plan to go to a house party in San Francisco, I passed.

Instead I spent Halloween at home sorting my old Magic cards while dressed as the pink Care Bear.

Fun Fact!
Did you know that Ruben Bolling's Tom The Dancing Bug is the best newspaper comic being written today? Although that isn't saying much. Other than T.T.D.Bug and Piraro's Bizarro, the newspaper funny page is about as reliable for entertainment as Dear Abby. But still, even if they had worthy competitors, Bolling and Piraro would be top of their game. So go watch a commercial at Salon to get access to the entire T.T.D.B archive featuring such favorites of mine as the Adventures of God-Man and Super Fun Pak Comix! And then go read a few current bizarro strips, after which you should drop a few bucks on his collections. The overstock on some of the Bizarro books is so great that you can often find them new for $2.

And somebody tell me where I can find Bolling's books, all of which are out of print.

Moby Contest
Okay, so this news is a few days old, but it occurred to me that maybe not everyone saw it somewhere else. Moby and MoveOn.org are running a contest to create a campaign commercial about Bush, with the winner(s) being broadcast before his (the President's, not Moby's) next State Of The Union speech. This is a really cool idea, and I can't wait to watch and vote on all the submissions online.

Economics, Yay!
Nice informative post over at dKos called "What the GDP Doesn't Do" which is worth reading. GDP gets reported on the crawl bar at the bottom of every news channel, but it is important to review it's limitations as a measure of economic success.

One problem is that all expenditures are measured positively. If I produced $10 of mercury, GDP would go up $10. If 20 people got sick from my mercury and required $100,000 in medical care, GDP goes up another $100,000. And if clean up from the mercury I made that ends up in a stream costs $1,000,000, then total GDP has increased $1,100,010. But is anyone better off? Sure I made $10 and the doctors and EPA employees have made some money, but wouldn't we be better off with a lower GDP and a cleaner and healthier standard of living?

If everyone in America was diagnosed with cancer tomorrow, GDP would skyrocket!

Or more accurately, if war were declared...
Wars cost a lot of money to wage, but it doesn't mean we are better off starting wars and building a bunch of tanks. So when the talking heads on TV say "GDP up x%" always ask yourself, "yes, but x% of what?" If it is missiles for Iraq, or health care for our ailments caused by pollution, we aren't really x% better off.

Hail Halloween!

It hailed so much last night that it sounded like the house might blow down. When I got up this morning it looked like it had snowed. Even now it hasn't all melted. It is really cold out, I don't remember anything like this happening here.

So let's go eat some candy. Just don't eat the red NERDS, they are colored with bug guts.

Do you fucking hate Yahoo!?
Yahoo! embodies everything wrong with the internet. It is frustrating, poorly designed, collects unnecessary (and therefore fake) personal information, and after all that, doesn't work.
Yahoo!, I hate you.
I'm glad the stupid stock bubble burst. I hope you all go broke. Whoever the jerk is who created this crap deserves to be drug through the street by their lapel while local kids throw rocks and bottles at him. (Or her, I'm an equal opportunity retributionist.)

Your Tax Dollars At Work
News, News, News:
The U.S. government is paying Vice President Dick Cheney's former firm Halliburton "enormous sums'' -- $2.65 a gallon -- for gasoline imported into Iraq from Kuwait, two lawmakers charged on Wednesday.

Democrats Rep. Henry Waxman of California and Rep. John Dingell of Michigan said this gross overpayment was made worse by the fact that the U.S. government was turning around and reselling the gasoline in Iraq for four to 15 cents a gallon.

In a letter of complaint sent to President Bush's national security adviser Condoleezza Rice, the two lawmakers said experts they consulted think the cost of buying and transporting gasoline from Kuwait into Iraq should cost less than $1 a gallon.

The Iraqi oil company SOMO is paying only 97 cents a gallon to import gasoline from Kuwait to Iraq, they said.

Waxman added in a statement: ``We know that someone is getting rich importing gasoline into Iraq. What we don't know is who is making the money, Halliburton or the Kuwaitis?''

Heads Up!
The Greatest Living American Writer, Neal Pollack, will be on the Daily Show tonight. Don't want to oversell it, but it will be better than ten Super Bowls.
Neal's excellent blog is here, but he has been on tour with his band "The Neal Pollack Invasion" so all the posts are by guest bloggers.

"Dead Americans = Success" says Bush

Escaping out of The Onion and into reality, this Washington Post article is titled "Bush Says Attacks Are Reflection of U.S. Gains," and features this choice quote:

"This is the first time that I have seen a parallel to Vietnam, in terms of information that the administration is putting out versus the actual situation on the ground," (John McCain) told Newsweek.

John McCain has a very large forehead.

Maybe you missed this?
As posted by me on this site on Oct. 17th:

Nate made this song by putting one Linkin Park single on the left speaker and another single on the right speaker. It's called "All Linkin Park Songs Sound Exactly The Same" and its title is apt. He had to change the tempo on one song by 7%, "and one of the key signatures by 3 half steps," whatever that means. I think it's at least as good as a regular Linkin Park song. Probably better.

I was thinking maybe it would take off and spread all over the internet All Your Base Are Belong To Us style and then never to be heard from again. But as far as I know, it didn't catch on.
After talking to Nate's dad at Safeway about the song, I decided to give another try at getting the ball rolling.
So until "Linkin Park" is synonymous with "all their songs sounding exactly the same," I will continue on my mission to expose them.

Vegetarians don't live longer; Meat eaters just live shorter.
Add ginger and definitely green tea to the long list of plant foods that inhibit, prevent, and/or cure cancer.

And definitely keep animal fats on the short list of dietary items thought to cause cancer.

Democracy In Action
If I were elected President of the United States, I would crush all who oppose me. And, as is the case with crushing, probably some people who didn't oppose me. But that's what you get with crushing.

I have much more on this subject, but in order to protect my future job options, I'll spare you the details.

Quiet! It's a secret!
Ike Turner won’t get the credit he deserves as a pioneering rock artist until he is dead.

The Daily Condi
LA Weekly asks
A simple question for the president of the United States: If you don't read the newspapers, how can you criticize the media coverage of Iraq?
Go read about a President who relies on the advice of a National Security Advisor who "didn't know planes could be used as weapons."

Via Hoffmania!

Shhh! It's a secret!
JFK was assassinated because he ordered withdrawal from Vietnam.

As Always, Via Atrios...

Personal Update
Got scores back for 2 of the 3 sections of the CBEST today... I passed.
Still waiting on the essay section score, which naturally takes longer to grade than the scantron sections.
But the news so far is good, (although predictable).

Wish me luck on the essay section, I had to make up stuff about how society should value senior citizens.

CSPAN Accidentally Most Entertaining Channel on Television.

Long worthwhile transcript follows:

Peter Slen, C-Span Moderator: Good Morning Miami Beach

caller: Good morning! Thank you for C-span, I watch it every day! Uh, I would like to say I had the occasion the other day to spend the entire day with troops that had come back from Iraq & had been wounded and..um...I also visited troops during the Vietnam era...but the thing that I was most shocked by...um...as I walked into the hospital the first person I ran into was a boy about 19 or 20 years old who'd lost both of his arms...and when I walked into the hospital & visited all these boys all day long...uh...everyone had lost either one arm...one limb or two limbs or had lost one limb and there were...there were a lot of legs that seemed to be missing and a couple of the boys told me it was because that their vehicles ...that the rockets pierce the vehicles so much its like being kind of in a tin can...it doesn't have...there isn't...the walls of the humvees are very soft and there's no protection...but three guys in the same vehicle have lost a leg. ...and another thing that I saw was that...um...if they'd lost one leg that... that shrapnel that had hit the other leg had been so devastating that they were having to pull like the thigh...you know...the muscle and the thigh around the bottom of the calf to try to make the leg workable but in some cases these boys had lost one legand the other leg was so damaged that they weren't sure what they were gonna be able to do.

C-Span Moderator: Where did you spend the day?

caller: Walter-Reed.

C-Span Moderator: And you're down in Miami beach, back in Miami beach?

caller: I'm down here today.

C-Span Moderator: what were you doing at walter -reed? are you a volunteer?

caller: no, I was just asked to come and spend the day. I was working that day in Washington, DC and...

C-Span Moderator: what kind of work do you do?

caller: um, I'm an entertainer.

C-Span Moderator: oh, what kind of entertaining? are you USO?

caller: no, I actually was called by the USO but I'm...I'm...I'm just...I'm an entertainer. And I really don't want to go much past that but...um...

C-Span Moderator: Is this CHER?

caller: yeah.

C-Span Moderator: ... okay.


Watch it here, skip to the 18th minute of Washington Journal Entire Program 10/27/03. The conversation continues past "Is this Cher?," which is my favorite new catch phrase.

Link and transcript via Atrios and his commentors, my life is more complete now thanks to all y'all


A Modest Proposal: Weekend At Sonny's

I think it's time to draft Sonny Bono's Corpse as a Republican Candidate for President.
Just put some sunglasses on him and prop him up for photo shoots while Cher runs everything behind the scenes. Somebody with a longer attention span than me should start DraftSonnysCorpse.com to get the ball rolling.

Zero tolerance in Action
There have been more than 700 suspensions for dress code violations at Duncanville High School SO FAR THIS YEAR. They are suspending approximately 25 students per day for such dangerous rule violations as having their shirts come untucked. Yes.

Zero tolerance makes baby Jesus cry.

You Are What You Own Part II

My life would be more meaningful if accompanied by:

1.The Beach Boys "Smile" album bootleg. One track has the sound of Paul McCartney chewing on a carrot.

2.The first Guitar Vader album "Die Happy!" - a self-released 2 cassette tape set.
But hey, you can buy MP3.com copies online for $12-$16 each (or spring for amazon.jp). So I guess I can cross this one of my list if I get the mp3 (instead of original tape) version...
And even better: free legal MP3s of all of their songs! That's the best thing I've found online in weeks! Listen to something off the album "Wild At Honey" if you've never heard Guitar Vader before.
I picked up all their albums (except Die Happy was out of print) in Japan which took some hunting. I eventually got them at the store where GV distributed Die Happy! when they were just starting. Guitar Vader is the band with the biggest disparity between their fame (unknown) and their music (the greatest).
Hey look! GV's got 7 awesome new tracks online! Life is beautiful.

3.A Kurt Cobain type wig for Halloween. I hope I get one before Friday!

Now that Sum 41 has endorsed a candidate...
Crappy bands everywhere have united to Rock Against Bush.
The CD and (free?) concerts will respectively raise money to run anti-Bush ads and promote voter registration among people who listen to Good Charlotte.
The tour and CD is being organized by Fat Mike, NOFX singer and head of Fat Wreck Chords, whom I actually like, because he did the same thing for this $4 PETA benefit CD.

The Democratic Field Widens
The time has come to Draft Wesley Crusher.
Wes Clark may have been Supreme Commander of NATO, but Wes Crusher is supreme commander of space and time.
Thanks to Vince

I'd Make a Terrible Buddhist
5 posts mentioning or linking to Amazon in a row...
Man you know what I love? Possessions! Aren't they great? Owning things makes me happy.

...DVD Player part II
The DVD of the first greatest music video director of all time, Spike Jonze, is coming out next week. Just $14.

I always liked his Bjork video for "It's Oh So Quiet" where it is like an old musical.

Great, now I need a DVD player
A DVD collecting the work of the second greatest music video director of all time, Michel Gondry is coming out next week. The track listing (scroll down) looks promising. It's missing Daft Punk's "Around The World" but includes a whole bunch of weird stuff which I'm guessing are all as good but not as famous. And only $14!
Gondry's first full length film arrives this year. Although it stars Jim Carey, Gondry co-wrote the screenplay with Being John Malkovich scribe Charlie Kaufman, so it could be excellent or it could be Me Myself and Irene... Let's hope excellent.
(Gondry directed the white stripes fell in love with a girl, dead leaves..., hardest button to button, bjork's human behavior, some beck and chibo matto videos and invented and then had copied from him the "matrix effect")

You are what you own

Everyone else has an Amazon Wishlist, but unfortunately the things I want aren't typically available on Amazon. I publish it not because I expect anyone to buy me stuff, (and most of these things are not available anyway, hence their inclusion), but because I think it is revealing about me in some way. Here are some of the things I can't find, or can't find at a reasonable price:

A 45 of The Hockadays single "fairy tales b/w hold on baby," the B-side of which is my favorite song ever, of all time. (I have it on CD)

Tom the Dancing Bug books

Bubble Bobble 2 for the NES

Falling Up The Stairs, the first book by humor columnist and Institute of Official Cheer webmaster James Lileks.

M.U.S.C.L.E. Men poster which shows every figure in the set. How am I supposed to know if I have them all without it?

And tons of other crap, but these are some of the choice possessions that spring to mind as having eluded my capture over the years. Help a brother out if you know where to secure these items at a reasonable price.

Whoa
Amazon introduced a new feature today called "Search Inside The Book" which lets you search every word in 120,000 books for your query. Man that's awesome.

Trials Discourage Criminals, threatens Texaco

So Texaco is being sued by Ecuadorians for destroying Ecuador. Their defense?

In the company's opening arguments, (Texaco) also warned the case would scare away other multinational corporations considering investing in Ecuador.

Um, attention oil executives: That is not a defense.

This is as if the Washington Snipers defended themselves by "warning that their trial would scare away other snipers from visitng the area." The Washington Snipers is a great name for a sports team

It only scares away foreign investment by companies willing to completely abuse the country's people and environment. If there is money to be made, responsible non atrocity committing corporations will go there and make it, and this case will ensure that they do it responsibly because they know that the will be held liable if they don't.

Equador's government gets something like 60% of its revenues from oil exports, so there is some question about whether the courts can bite the hand that feeds (and occasionally beats) them. Let's hope they do the right thing and stand up against corporate abuse of the Third World.

Meow ReMix
My band Think Tank recorded 2 albums. "Morimoto Explosion" and "Songs To Enrage Bus Drivers"

One of the first songs we ever recorded was called "Meow Remix" - you used to be able to stream the whole thing from MP3.com, but they only host a couple of our songs now.

But you can hear a perpetual loop of a part of it at Vince's Perpetually Unfinished Website.

Go now.

Product Launch #3
Clocking in at 8 pages and almost 100 words, the third issue of the cult zine IDYLWILD is finished and ready for the printers. This issue has been in production since at least November 15, 2001, which is the date when the third page was last altered. And by "ready for the printers," I mean that I hope I print it eventually, like, perhaps before November 15, 2003. It's not like anybody wants it anyway.

You can see the covers of all three issues here.

Items reprinted in the newest issue include but are not limited to: things I found in the trash, things I found in the trash at Ikea, things I found in the newspaper, things I found in the laundry room at my old apartment, and things I found at Viks' Distributors imported spice store.

IDYLWILD #4 is at least 3/8 done, so if #3 is any guide, #4 will be available in October of 2005. I'm hoping sooner.

If for some reason you have never read IDYLWILD (perhaps I met you for the first time after October 2001, or perhaps I have never met you) or are interested in the newest issue (perhaps you collect ephemera) please let me know. The interiors are a lot like the covers.

Sorry this post was so long.

Google should buy the naming rights to the Shoreline Amphitheatre and call it the Google-Plex.

Dora The Explora

Don't miss this hilarious Dora The Explorer Jump The Shark debate about the merits of a retarded show for toddlers.

This show is teaching kids that the people on TV can hear them. Sure, they may be learning beginner Spanish, but at what cost? Dora seems to live in some kind of drug-induced hallucination, where everything can talk (usually in Spanish), from purple squirrels to backpacks to train engines.

Via the Decembrist

H to da iz-O, V to da iz-A!

In Edmonton, Alberta, in July, Bill Sokolik pleaded guilty to a 2002 robbery that went down this way: He had wrapped his head in gauze, covered his face with silicon putty and rouge (and oversized glasses), grabbed a Samurai sword, walked into a Jehovah's Witnesses hall, and screamed, "I am the evil that you have read about! This is the face of evil!" He was in the middle of collecting cash and credit cards from everyone when the police arrived.

And if Prince came to my door, I'd probably convert.

Shift
This Onion article escapes into reality:

John "Alex" Halderman discovered that by simply pressing the Shift key when loading a copy-protected music CD into a computer's hard drive, he could disable SunnComm Technologies' MediaMax CD-3 software, which is supposed to prevent CDs from being ripped.
He published his finding on his website... The company then threatened to sue (Halderman), charging him with violating the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, or DMCA.

At least they have decided not to sue... Let's all go steal some music.

Postscript: Don't forget that magic markers are also a tool of piracy

DJ Bug Getta presents
Nate made this song by putting one Linkin Park single on the left speaker and another single on the right speaker. It's called "All Linkin Park Songs Sound Exactly The Same" and its title is apt. He had to change the tempo on one song by 7%, "and one of the key signatures by 3 half steps," whatever that means. I think it's at least as good as a regular Linkin Park song. Probably better.

Overheard
I was channel surfing today, and on CNN 2 aka Headline News I caught this informed banter:
transcribed as accurately as possible

Female Newscaster: (Somebody from Somewhere) writes "In order to stop spam I've made my email a random string of 25 characters so that spammers won't want to type it out. The spam seems to have decreased" - Good Idea! Because nobody wants to type out all those letters!
Male Newscaster: That's true! Somebody has to type them out to send you spam.

Uh.... Wow.

Miyazaki part ni
When I was in Japan, I cut class and went to the awesome (Miyazaki's) Studio Ghibli Museum. There was a giant ball pit with a furry life size Cat Bus in it. And the roof had a giant cast iron Laputa robot. And the gift store had every imaginable Ghibli product. Even though it was a Thursday, it was swarming with people. To get in, we had to make reservations weeks in advance, (and go on a Thursday when we should have been in school). Admission got you a screening of one of two exclusive Miyazaki short films. Mine was about a whale. Japanese have a whale complex.

Miyazaki
Slashdot reports that Hayao Miyazaki's "Nausicaa, the Valley of the Wind" is set for a spring 2004 American DVD release, this time with competent dubbing. Captain Patrick Stewart is going to be part of the dub. He has battled Nausicaans before. This is good good good news.

Meanwhile, "Tenkuu no Shiro Rapyuta", aka "Laputa" , aka "Castle In The Sky", is available now with a competent Disney English Dub. It would make an excellent birthday gift, even for someone who doesn't have a dvd player... cough cough

Happy Birthday To Me!
I see that the newest Lord Of The Rings is once again opening on my birthday on Dec. 17th.
So that's where the party will be, presumably at the Orinda Theatre.
I read this article about how special 10 hour showings of the trilogy are sold out. So I guess we are seeing just the new one. And then afterwards, or beforehand perhaps, I'm thinking Memo's in Concord for lunch/dinner.
I don't know. It's 2 months from now! We can finalize these details later. What's important is that you all bring me fabulous gifts.

9/11 Panel Subpoenas FAA Documents
Upholding my policy of covering the news only if nobody else is covering it.
The Congressional Panel investigating September 11th has felt the need to subpoena the FAA for relevant documents. Why would the FAA stonewall on this request, forcing the panel to seek a subpoena? Well, because that plane (flight 93) that crashed in a field was actually shot down by the military. Psst, don't tell anyone, it's a secret.

Product Launch #2
You should buy this Fish Rap Live! book.
It's by dandy Andy Lochrie and has a forward by Ben Stein, whom I met in the Cowell Cafeteria once. He was wearing a suit with white sneakers. (Stein, not Lochrie. I saw Lochrie all the time, but never in a suit.) And it's $12. So buy it.

But if Lochrie makes a boatload of money of this thing, I want a giant novelty sized royalty check.

Vegan Cheesecake Fruit Baskets Hot Breasts
Ever since I posted "GOP Bill O'Reilly Ann Coulter Hot Breasts" which documented how Google was putting Republican ads at the top of this page on the mistaken impression that "That Republican candidate was fairly elected!" somehow implied right-wing leanings, Google has been funneling me ads for macadamia nut cookies. Probably because I mentioned cookies in this recipe.

So far, no ads for either Hot Breasts or a Huge Cock. Maybe Google doesn't accept such ads? And for some reason I am only 11th out of 18 returns for "Look at this huge cock."
Update (#2): Woo-hoo! I'm number 2 in the world of "look at this huge cock" action. And judging from the ads placed on the "Look at this huge cock" returns, Google DEFINITELY accepts porn ads. Perhaps they don't funnel them to Blogger though, in order to not risk offending readers?

"But I don't want people to think I was racist"
I don't see what the big deal is with the Chinese space program.


If it were up to me, I'd launch all the Chinese into space.

Mr. Freaky Big

Nobody should ride a horse, but especially someone who is 7'7''.

I'm beginning to think the Cubs might be cursed.

Product Launch
The first CD from the seminal Ben Lomond based alt-electric duo titled We Can Open Jars, is complete and will be released as soon as I get a CD burner.

A comprehensive anthology of tracks recorded between October 14th and October 19th, 2001, Jars is a groundbreaking work in Casio experimentation. The opening track, "Josh Transmits Radio Via Teeth" is sure to be a Billboard hit, and will enjoy a long life in car and shampoo commercials.

I used to think that Jet Grind Radio was really creative, but it turns out that Japan just looks like that.

Let's Group!
In Japan there is a chain store that is in many of the subway stations called "Let's Kiosk!" -
Hence the album "Let's Knife!" by Shonen Knife (on an American tour now)-
and also the brilliant Rob Syrett activity page "Let's Crayon!" (link sadly not available)

Speaking of Antichrists
Without question I believe the Harry Potter series is a creation of hell helping prepare the younger generation to welcome the Biblical prophecies of demons and devils led by Lucifer himself. writes Pastor Joseph Chambers.

What Liberal Media?

via Dkos

Whoa: "Cafeteria manager Tina Rector estimates that 25 percent to 30 percent of the (elementary) school's students are vegetarians."

Personal Update:

So I took the CBEST test today which is California's certification test for becoming a teacher. Since I don't have a Masters in Education, passing this test allows me to be a substitute teacher for a year. I assume I passed, but won't know for 4-6 weeks. In the mean time, I need to send a set of fingerprints to Sacramento. I'm planning to sub in the Acalanes district, which for you non-Lamorindans is the local high schools including my alma mater.

Now back to our regularly scheduled impersonal stuff.

(Google Baiting)
Look at this huge cock!

Isn't it a beautiful cock? Go ahead, touch it.

GOP Bill O'Reilly Ann Coulter Hot Breasts
Ever since I posted "that republican candidate was fairly elected!" below, the ads that google provides have been aimed at dittoheads.
Two recent ads were "save 30% when you buy from the Conservative Book Service" and "Calling all Republicans"
Aparently Google doesn't understand the nuances of language. What they need is a sarcasm detector.
This is exactly like when TiVo thinks you are gay.

It's their fault for making me want it so bad.

Recipe #6: Raw Coconut Pie Crust

Taken from a presentation by Cherie Soria and Dan Ladermann of the Living Light Culinary Arts Institute at the San Francisco Vegetarian Society's World Vegetarian Day celebration last weekend. The LLCAI has trained many prominent raw chefs including Roxanne Klein of Roxanne's in Larkspur. So believe me, this recipe is awesome - you seriously must try it, you won't be disappointed.

Take 2.5 Cups of dried coconut and blend it into a powder
Now add 1/4 Cup of fresh pitted dates and blend together with the powder
after you have the first 2 ingredients well blended, add 1/4 C of coconut meat from a Thai Young Coconut (you can drink the water, or add a little to the mix). Make sure to not add this until the end, because it will bind the mixture.
Now you can press the mix into a pie pan or into bar or cookie shapes. It is ready to eat! You can add a pie topping of some sort, but why bother? The crust is so good that you will want to eat it straight like an energy bar. If it is watery or oily, add some flax flour to the outside to make it finger food.

I could eat this every day! My next plan is to roll a sheet of it and use cookie cutters to make shaped cookies!

Margaret Cho has her own blog here and Bill Maher his own blog too, basically consisting of current events jokes, which are timely now that his show is on hiatus.

Insect Innards from Peru End Up in Food

Television sucks so far this season, so I have been listening to NPR's searchable streaming archives while I'm online.
I've enjoyed listening to Weird Al, Al Franken, Jack Black, Bill Maher, Margaret Cho, and prissy Bill O'Reilly interviews. All easily findable from the search function. Here are some more obscure things to listen to:

If you eat red (packaged) foods, there is a good chance you have ingested the remains of a Peruvian beetle. Learn all about the cochineal bug from All Things Considered.

Here's an older short interview with the White Stripes.

And don't miss All Songs Considered.

That Republican candidate was fairly elected!

Has anyone else seen those pop-up ads or billboards where there is a racist statement printed on black and then a red line crossing out the offending detail, like:
"That black guy sure is articulate!"
Great! I feel like thanks to this ad, we could stamp out bigotry any day now!
I'd link to the actual ad, but ironically, they were everywhere until I tried to find one...
But anyway, here are my suggestions for future ad texts:
That Mexican guy smells like a field of wild flowers!
That Jewish banker sure isn't covetous.
That homosexual fellow sure has awful intuition when it comes to interior design.
I have thousands more. Maybe I should crank up the old GIF creating software I have?

When will people learn, Democracy never works?

This is all Omar's fault

Obscure Knowledge #2
Is it safe to eat seaweed you find in the ocean?
According to some guest on KPFA radio, yes. No kelp that grows along the California coast is poisonous, but some might taste bad. On the other hand, "a couple dozen" are choice varieties.
The main thing to be careful of is collecting from polluted waterways. And don't take things that have washed up on the beach unless they look fresh. And don't decimate the population by taking all of a single variety. But other than that, go ahead and chow down.

When will people learn, the Internet never works?
I often find that Google has failed me. When I am looking for a biography of an obscure musician, or nutritional information, or trying to solve some obscure conundrum. And I am a cheap bastard, so Google Answers isn't an option. Besides, with most of these queries, I suspect the info just doesn't exist on the net. Not enough experts in obscure topics have posted their knowledge.
So in the spirit of fixing the internet, I have decided to start a new feature: whenever I find the answer to something that I previously unsuccessfully queried for, I will post it here so that if somebody else is looking for it, they can at least find this page.

Obscure Knowledge #1
The nutritional content of a Thai Young Coconut.
According to the box of K.S.N. InterTrade Co.,LTD - an importer of young coconuts from Thailand, a single young coconut (that weighs 505 g) has 270 calories, 10g fat (5g as saturated fat), 80 mg sodium, 43g total carbohydrates (23g as sugar), 3g protein, 10% calcium, 8% iron.
Previous Googling indicates that the water has basically no fat, where as the meat has the minority of the carbs.
And for the record, young coconut water is awesome!

Welcome to 1 of a mere 50,000 blogs which is updated daily.

"Americans are always asking why the rest of the world hates them, well, the reason is Dennis Miller."
-Sir Elton John

via Hoffmania!

"What Does a 99-cent Bic Lighter Tell Us About the Bush War on Terrorism?"
Michael Moore hits and misses. I haven't been too impressed with his books, but when he hits, as he did with the very excellent Roger and Me and many of his TV show skits, he is dead on.
And he has another hit here in this "bonus chapter" to his book Stupid White Men.
Why, even after that crazy guy tried to explode his shoes with a lighter, are BIC lighters and matches allowed on airplanes (where as crochet needles are banned)? The tobacco industry lobbied the Bush administration to have the lighters and matches removed from the banned list. Feel safer yet?
Also, his new book comes out this Thursday and is called "Dude, where's My Country?" - let's hope it is better than the movie it is named after.
Update / Head's Up: He is promoting the book tonight on The Daily Show.

In 1998, (Pat) Robertson condemned the city of Orlando, Fla., for sponsoring a Gay Days festival, and warned that the city could be torn up during the subsequent hurricane season, as God punishes those who promote homosexuality. Instead, the first hurricane of that season (Bonnie) made a direct hit on Virginia Beach... where Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network is headquartered.

That's what boyfriends and girlfriends do. They take off each other's clothes and look at each other naked.

The Chewbacca Defense
(Via Atrios)

It's been alleged for some time that Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Ken Lay during the dark hours of California's concocted energy "crisis," but new evidence has come forward which further confirms the secret meetings and only Greg Palast is writing about it. So go read his piece, or this ignored press release.

Advantage Blogosphere!
News web sites that don't have a "contact the editor" link at the bottom of the page are retarded! ARghhhh! If I find an error to report, I don't want to search around the site for 10 minutes trying to find a way to tell them about it. Why do I have to be the one to point out these obvious simple product improvements? Don't they pay people to do this crap?
What infuriating web page triggered this post?
This MSN news article which is on a site that works about as well as one would expect from a MSN product. They report that "laboratory analysis shows many of the massive burritos weigh in at more than 1,000 calories and 12 grams of fat." Uh, 12g fat? That's not that much, in fact, Subway advertises that some of their sandwiches have 6g. What MSN meant to say is that they contain 12g of SATURATED fat, which is a big freaking difference. But can I tell them about it? No. Nowhere on their site could I find a way to contact any reporter or editor or even tech support guy.
So they asked for it. Instead of privately pointing out that they should hire a copy-editor, I am forced, forced, to post it here on my blog to humiliate them by exposing their inaptitude (to all 12 of my readers).
Advantage Blogosphere!

Attn: Moviegoers
I spent $9.50 to see School of Rock last night and it was a mistake. Don't get tricked into seeing this movie.
Don't get me wrong, I heart Jack Black- I'm an early adaptor from way back. The Tenacious D HBO shorts were awesome and I even got the special limited edition Tenacious D sock for pre-ordering the album.
But this movie kinda sucked. You should watch it on TV. Even Sarah Silverman wasn't good in it.
The only exception is, if you are really into Led Zep or the Doors or hard rock. My analogy is, if you are a nerd, then "Revenge of the Nerds" is a much better movie for you than it is for others. And if you are totally into Black Sabbath, then this is your revenge of the nerds.
Otherwise: steer clear.

I am totally high right now.
Recipe #5: the perfect drug

Yerba Mate, which is cheap as hell, and you can make in a coffee maker, is the perfect drug. I like to put 3T into a drip coffee maker and make about 9 cups worth of it. Then I fill my Noah's Bagels mug with about 3.5 cups of it, add a packet of stevia powder, and get completely freaky manic. I mean dancing-in-my-house-jumping-around-super-wired. Then I drink another mug with another packet of stevia. It tastes more like stevia than like tea, and I love stevia so much that my feelings toward it border on addiction. But as far as I can tell, I am not addicted to my stevia-mate concoction. Somedays I drink 10 cups, other days none, and I have noticed no side effects or withdrawal symptoms.
The only "bad" effect of consuming the yerba mate is that if I have it for breakfast, and then go do something, I'll often notice that it is 3pm and I haven't eaten anything (except the mate). This is a bad effect because food tastes good and so forgetting to eat it is unfortunate. But other than that it falsely satisfies hunger, Yerba Mate is the perfect drug.

The first case of homosexual necrophilia in the mallard duck

link via the IG Nobel Prize committee

The 4 Minor Food Groups
Everyone knows about the major food groups, but often overlooked are the vital minor food groups.
1. Known foodstuffs found in yards and landscaped embankments
These should form the foundation of your minor foods. Typically consisting of lemons, rosemary, and oregano, this group can consist of almost anything if you are knowledgeable of herbs, fungi, or fruits and you know where to look. Some (like me) know where to find avocados, kiwis, persimmons, blackberries, tomatoes, figs, pomegrantes and more. And if you want to include dumpsters in your domain, the potentials are limitless. Yard-fresh oregano and rosemary are important sources of antioxidants, while the other foods in the category are important for protecting against monetary depletion due to excess expenditures.

2. Potential foodstuffs found in yards and landscaped embankments
This group consists of unidentified leaves, fruits, fungi, and flowers. As with all of the minor food groups it is important to proceed with caution as most of the berries and mushrooms you eat are bound to be pure poison. When eating a potential foodstuff for the first time make sure to show it to a friend first so they know what to describe to the doctor if your throat enflames or your liver fails as a result of your curious palate. Experimenting with potential foodstuffs is an important trace source of unique poisons. Don’t overdo it.

3. Pollen
Bees didn’t collect that pollen for you. That’s why it’s important to collect it fresh by hand. Pollen is an important dietary source of yellow. In the fall and winter, supplement with turmeric or if you are feeling excessively wealthy, saffron.

4. Indian spices
Including a variety of good quality powdered and whole South Asian spices is an important part of every diet. Peoples subsisting without cardamom, asafetida, and a good garam masala mix, live dull meaningless lives. To be safe, supplement your regular spice use by putting curry powder on everything.

Thank you, passing Rastafarian!
I know there are medical uses for pot because last month I was at Yoshi's Jazz club in Oakland and my sinuses were totally clogged up. During the middle of the show, a Rastafarian got up and left for about 10 minutes. When he came back in, he walked near our table and he totally cleared my nose up.

I can breath again! Thank you passing Rastafarian!

I’ve been thinking of taking up a nicotine gum habit lately.

Records for Sale
I have the following unique records for sale at very fair prices, e-mail me if you see something you want. Suggested prices listed, bargaining welcome, email me and we can make a deal. The valuable ones I intend to sell on eBay soon, but check out the list:
LPs:
David Bowie - The Unofficial Wembley Wizard Box File - Moonbeam records - 4 lp bootleg set from 1981 Mint vinyl, plain black box broken at corners, with glossy printed insert. ($60.00)
Dee Dee Sharp - It's Mashed Potato Time - Cameo C 1018 - excellent condition ($10.00)
The McCoys - Hang On Sloopy - Bang BLP-212 - Exc ($10.00)
Anson Weeks and Orchestra - Come Dancin' with Anson at the "Mark" - Fantasy 3338 - RED VINYL MINT($25.00)
Ink Spots - Greatest Hits - Crown CST 144 - RED VINYL nrmt/mint ($25.00)
Sterling Blythe - Sterling Blythe Sings - Crown CST 204 - RED VINYL nrmint ($25.00)
The Shamen - En-tact - TPLP22SP - 2 LP import nrmint ($4.00)
Jefferson Airplane - Surrealistic Pillow - LPM-3766 - MONO vg/exc ($3.00)
James Moody - Last Train From Overbrook - Argo LP 637 g/vg ($3.00)
Witherspoon, Fatha Hines, Woody Herman etc - 1959 Monterey Jazz Festival - Everest Records Archive FS-239 ($3.00)
Phil Seamen Quartet and others - Third festival of British Jazz - London LL 1639 ($3.00)
R.E.M - Life's Rich Pagaent and Eponymous - ($1.00 each)
Stevie Wonder - Up Tight - Tamla 268 Stereo - vg ($3.00)
David Seville - Let's all sing with the Chipmunks - London LRP 3132 - foil cover g/vg ($3.00)
Hayley Mills - Let's Get Together - Vista BV 3311 ($3.00)
Chubby Checker - Biggest Hits - Parkway P 7022 - w/ "pull off pix" removable stickers on the back ($3.00)
12 inch single:
Deltron 3030 (w/ Mix Master Mike, Mario C, Dan The Automator Nakamura) - Positive Contact - ($4.00)
45 rpms
Big Maceo (with Tampa Red, Ernie Crawford, Eddie Boyd, and Charles Sanders) - If you ever change your ways b/w Chicago Breakdown - RCA Victor 50-0002 - RED VINYL (glorious pinkish vinyl) excellent condition. One of the first 45s ever made, dating from 1949. ($100.00)
I have discount shipping record store, so pay, you buy now this album sale. Hot Breasts. Froogle Froogle Froogle.

Attn: Nate
How long does it take Google to find this site, anyway?
I mean it's been like 3 weeks, and Socktopi still doesn't seem to be indexed.
Obviously, I have no idea how Google works, but I was just curious about this.

UPDATE: As of Oct 3rd, this site has been indexed by google (it took about 23 days)
So I guess my second question is: Nate, how about pulling some strings down at HQ at bumping me up to the top on the list for a query like "Hot Breasts" or something?

If I were on Behind the Music, I would want my third act to be an addiction to high quality soy sauces. There would be shaky footage of me backstage drinking organic nama shoyu straight from the bottle and living it up. But I would recover and be washed up and on mediocre small venue tours and low sodium diets for decades. Why isn’t Brian Wilson dead, already?