Oozinator - Major Pumping Required!

Sometimes I thank god for the internet. Where would I be without it, and specifically Josh (far left) who sent me this amazing super soaker commercial? Presumably they show this during commercial breaks of Sponge Bob Squarepants, and yet, I'll pass Josh's warning on to you: "I'm honestly not certain if it's safe for work."





I insist you watch this video! You heard it here first.

UPDATE: Hasbro has removed the video of the Super Soaker that "Shoot(s) out globs of gooey bio-ooze" for some reason... luckily, three quickwitted users have uploaded the 16 second clip to YouTube:

It gets worse all the time

From Archie's Love Scene, Spire Christian Comics, 1972.

That's exactly what I was thinking

Excerpted for Purposes of Review Funnies: That Kind of Love



Jesus, Reggie looks like a deranged rapist in this panel. As opposed to your more civil, run-of-the-mill, rapists.

(From Archie's Love Scene, published by Spire Christian Comics in 1973, with art and writing by the great Al Hartley who is always sucessful in getting me to talk about Jesus.)

If you were a lobbyist and defense contractor who decided to run a brothel for congressmen in order to grease the wheels for some of those sweet defense contracts, wouldn't you set it up someplace other than the Watergate? I mean, that's just asking for trouble.

There has to be a better way to spell that

Last week I promised to unleash some amazing content, and it was worth the wait as you can see:

I feel kind of like a bully now, but thanks for the business card Vincent! Am I internet-famous yet?

People With Wrong Opinions are Spilling Over the Levees

Actual insight from Amazon reviews of Henlein’s somewhat lesser-known masterpiece The Moon is a Harsh Mistress:

Look I would love to say this was a great read but frankly the writing style had some huge grammatical flaws... Maybe it was the Editors fault...I don't know.

Like the pitiful nonsense created by James Joyce, I think this book is given more credit than it's due because it is weird.

What doesn't Robby boy understand that here in America, pro-nouns are quite important? I have heard that it was originally written in German or something, and some words were lost in the translation. Even if this is true, would the translator have the common sense to fill in all those annoying gaps?

This is a direct quote from the book - "I see also is to be mass meeting tonight to organize 'Sons of Revolution' talk-talk." Why couldn't that read "Also, I see there is to be a..."? In short what possible purpose does the bad grammar serve? Here's another direct quote "But matters whether you get answer in microsecond rather than millisecond as long as correct." Why couldn't that read "But what matters is whether you get an..."?

Uhm, let’s see? Why would they talk in funny accents, without conjunctions? Could it be that the protagonists are the mixed race descendants of Russian, Chinese, and American outcasts, living in settlements on the moon where air is a scarce commodity? No, It must be because you are smart and Robert Heinlein is stupid.

Adword spiking and refinancing home mortgage lasik car accident hire lawyer

Seriously, is there a single case of mesothelioma that the Law Office of James Sokolove haven't tracked down already? I mean, it's been 10 years. If there is still somebody out there watching Judge Judy that hasn't heard that "Mesothelioma is a rare cancer caused by exposure to asbestos fibers" it's because that person is deaf, and maybe blind. What kind of settlements are asbestosis patients getting that are able to justify running this commercial every 5 minutes since I was 12? Considering that the google adword mesothelioma pays $54 Canadian, those "huge cash settlements" must actually be huge. Wikipedia says That RAND says that the average settlement is a million bucks, but six million if you go to trial.

More People with Wrong Opinions

Actual Amazon reviews for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, (all poetic typos preserved):

I only bought it because of Kate Winslet..I think this is one of the worst movies shes ever acted in.

This movie lacks substance...Id rather see Jim Carrey play the lead ROLE in a future "Crow" movie... For those that dont' know, the crow was a movie that was made in 1993/94 in where Brandon Lee was the lead star of it.

Trying to erase someone or something from your memory is the most childish, ungrateful thing i have ever imagined. anyone who is so pessimistic that they can't even find one little thing they got out of a situation, (ESPECIALLY the bad ones, which i believe to be the most valuable,) so much that they want to erase it completely, is not only ignorant but deserves to be miserable. maybe being miserable would teach them something and then they could get to be a better person. instead, they just want to ignore it all and continue to f*** up their lives so that they can keep on being miserable because they are lazy asses and this whole movie was just about being lazy and selfish... i watched it a couple of years ago and can hardly remember it.

This was the worse movie that I have ever seen.

The movie did have it's little twists which were predictable if you've read the back of the DVD container.

let's go watch Dumb and Dumber.

Sometimes critics and movie companies get together to say great things about flops, so becareful... Scarlett Johansson is a rising actress whose making solid work in Hollywood. 98 percent of her films have substance, heart. She is like the Elizabeth Taylor of this new decade.

I would like to have my mind earsed so I wouldn't know I watched this movie. It is slow, not funny (think really not funny), and just drifts along a piece of wood at sea. One day the wood might find, but otherwise it just drifts along.

This movie is based on the idea of there exists true love. This is not true at all. Men and women and especially men are interested in basically one thing and that one thing is sex. Once the sex gets boring people move on. That is why there are so many break ups and divorces. We need to make more realistic movies that investigate sex and sexuality. This movie was crap

Has an unnecessarily long title.

Bald Headed Sally

Gene Vincent, seemingly still on crutches from the car accident that killed Eddie Cochran, limps on stage and performs a wild cover of Little Richard's best song about a transvestite prostitute, Long Tall Sally. Or is it a transsexual prostitute? I can never remember the difference.
Also, the Beatles do the same thing about a year later, but without the crutches. Yes, there was a time when Paul McCartney rocked, and we have the video to prove it. This is not that video.

People with wrong opinions

Amazon Reviews for Surely You're Joking Mr. Feynman!

I would have to say that this book is kind of boring... if you're going to read it just to read it, then I would suggest you not... I found my self skipping pages at a time because of its boringness.

...he comes off as a self-aggrandizing jerk; always having to show that he's smarter than anyone else and playing 'jokes' on people that they probably didn't find so funny. Would I want to hang out with someone like that? Nope!

Feynman's bland writing style certainly does not do his exciting life justice.

...a self-absorbed turdface

Don't bother reading this book. He was one of a kind and now he's gone. Thank God.

Where woud we be without gravity or even string theory? I don't know, but I certainly do not want to go there. The honorable physician should take his job seriously, not all hokey jokey.

Socktopi's back, and you can see it was worth the wait

I overheard these two women at the grocery store talking about milk, and one explained to the other, "There's 1% milk and 2% milk, but if you mix them together, I don't understand why you don't get 3% milk." And then she shrugged.

I resisted the urge to interject.

Socktopi is going on vaction, suckers
See all y'all next week. I've got some amazing things ready to post when I return. Start getting excitied now, so that by the time I get back you will be properly excitied for the content I'm prepared to unleash on an unsuspecting blogosphere.

In the meantime, I thought it would be hilarious to add banner ads to the site. Just freakin' hilarious. Enjoy.

I'm not sure what I like more about The Specials. Is it their lyrics?

You've done too much, much too young
And now you're married with a son
When you should be having fun with me

Ain't he cute (No he ain't)
He's just another burden on the welfare state

Ain't you heard of the starving millions?
Ain't you heard of contraception?

Or is it the way they move around on stage? Check out Too Much Too Young (Live) and A Message To You Rudy

Fun Fact #2764
This one time while I was waiting for a bus, I found a lit cigarette and pretended I was a smoker.

Youtube is better than television
Frenchy, I hope you are still working on that project where you have 10 minute blocks of downtime. You may have thought you'd seen everything on the internet twice, but I give you:
Mr Show's Underground Tape Railroad/Weenis
Sarah Silverman's scene in The Aristocrats
Ten Years Later a 20 minute MTV pilot from that guy that had that show that one time. You know, that one guy. Maybe you were in France.
Demitri Martin's Material Enhancers

Actually nevermind, these are almost all NSFW.

Mitch Hedburg's complete half hour special

I find that ducks' opinion of me is dependant on whether or not I have bread.

they are also a great apple

Before Puffy (AmiYumi) there was Pink Lady, the proto-idoru duo whose matching outfits and dance routines scored them 9 consecutive million selling disco singles in Japan in the late 70's before being spun off into an anime series, and a disastrous American variety show Pink Lady and Jeff

While I've been casually trying to track down their one rare but almost valueless American album for the last 5 years, I can take solace in knowing that youtube is to the rescue:

Above, Original Pink Lady Music Video for UFO
Also, Pink Lady and Morning Musume team up in a recent performance of UFO.
1 minute of SOS performed on Japanese television.

Forget those other videos
This is the YMO video to end all videos. I'm sorry I said all those bad thing about you, Internet, you know I love you.

Fact or Fiction? Bjork Edition

"Children, nocturnal, magical march," Bjork said, laughing.

Bjork:(Giggling) Imagine if clouds were made of licorice!

"put me on the top of a mountain with deer licking my fingers"

Lone Gunmen tried to warn us


In March of 2001, the pilot episode of the X-Files spinoff Lone Gunmen concerned a goverment plot to fly a "hijacked" plane into the World Trade Center in order create a new threat to replace the Cold War by blaming terrorists for the attack. Spooooky.

Great, now my phones are tapped.

When it became evident that his trial would be embarassing for the Governent because of the torture he was subjected to, and the unlikelihood of conviting him of his alleged crimes, John Walker Lindh was offered a plea bargain. In exchange for not being executed on national television during half-time of the Super Bowl, he plead guilty to two charges: serving in the Taliban army when they were no longer our allies, and "carrying weapons." As part of his plea bargain, he consented to a gag order that prevents him from telling his story for the duration of his twenty-year sentence.

Seriously, read this article seething with eerie preminition about our good friends the Taliban and don’t miss this wikipedia entry detailing what you probably never heard about Lindh’s trial.

Important if True: Saved By The Bell reruns to premiere on Adult Swim starting April 17th.
Listen, I love Saved By The Bell just like everyone else, but, uh, guys... it's not really what we might call a "cartoon" exactly. Don't make us need a CartoonNetwork2 for animated programing.

Captain EO (pan and scan)
Don't forget your 3D glasses!

Youtube won't let you upload any video longer longer than 10 minutes now to stop piracy. Of course, that means if you want to watch this week's South Park making fun of the Family Guy, you'll have to watch part 1 here, part 2 here, and part 3 here. These 3 parts are among today's most viewed videos. Get them while they're hot! Or just watch my favorite 2 minutes here:

Quantum Cryptography can't be broken.

Movie reviews
Saw V for Vendetta (again) and liked it very much. It's great propaganda for the overthrow of oppressive governments. Luckily, the distopian future is nothing like the England of today. I mean, it's not like the British government has installed cameras at every intersection to record license plate numbers in order to compile a massive database of everywhere everyone travels, or is actively arresting people drinking tea or reading lists of war dead near parliament and convicting them of "unlawful protest." That stuff is just science fiction.

Also watched A Love Song for Bobby Long on DVD. This badly written 2004 John Travolta - Scarlett Johansson film is completely worthless, except for this deleted scene, which is possibly the hottest soft-core pornography even conceivable:


And finally, I caught Millions on DVD, "one of the best films of the year!" which was okay in parts, but I actually hated the lovable main characters so much I was rooting for the criminal from central casting to slit their throats. The two boys in the film behave in a way I can't quite make up a word for, but it happens in movies a lot. Ice Age, one of the worst, most infuriating, films I haven't successfully blocked from my memory did the same thing. The characters behave in this stupid way, over and over again, to create a conflict to push the story forward. In Millions, the younger brother finds a huge bag of money. He keeps asking strangers and hobo drifters, "are you poor? Want some of my money?" and the older brother says, "stop doing that" and this happens, roughly, 4 million times, leaving me the viewer thinking, "just fucking stop it already!" and rooting for aforementioned hobo-drifters to just pull a knife out. If I had kids and they behaved this way, I would beat the shit out of them.

Oh, snap!

Word to the Wise
Windows running on a Mac is like Windows running on a PC. That means it’ll be subject to the same attacks that plague the Windows world. So be sure to keep it updated with the latest Microsoft Windows security fixes.

Swamp Thing, You Are Amazing!
Mike Sterling points out that youtube has a video of the introduction to the 1990 Swamp Thing cartoon, with a theme song set to "Wild Thing"

Jewish people protest, black people riot

In the spirit of black people loot, white people find, we learn that when hundreds of Hasidic Jews take to the streets and set a police car "afire," that the matter has simply "escalated into a protest."

Scott McCloud's Five-Card Nancy

A Nancy panel is an irreduceable concept, an atom, and the comic strip is a molecule. With 5-Card Nancy we create new molecules out of Ernie Bushmiller's atoms.

Read McCloud's rules for the game and learn about alternate modes of play, ie: "Multidirectional Nancy strips are a brave new frontier."

Via an old BoingBoing! post.

Garfield Round Up

In honor of this completely real, unaltered, Garfield strip from 3/24/06,


this is probably as good a time as any to mention the theory that Garfield is much much funnier when his word baloons are erased.


And actually, Garfield is funnier when random panels are presented as though they formed a strip.


But the web-app somebody wrote to create these randomized Garfield strips was sent a cease and desist order. I know, I know. Our whole society is bullshit.

Wilhelm Reich

Wilhelm Reich (March 24 ,1897 –November 3 ,1957 ) was a Jewish -Austrian psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, and author, who was trained in Vienna by Sigmund Freud .

In the 1930s , Reich claimed he had discovered a physical energy , which he called "orgone," and which he said was contained in the atmosphere and in all living matter. He developed instruments to detect and harness this energy, which he said could be used to treat illnesses like cancer or control the weather. His views were not accepted by the mainstream scientific community.


(Reich operating his "Cloud Buster," a device he used to control the weather.)

On February 10 ,1954 , the FDA filed a complaint seeking a permanent injunction under the Federal Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act to prevent interstate shipment of orgone-therapy equipment and literature. Reich refused to appear in court, apparently believing that no court had the authority to evaluate scientific research.

Because of Reich's failure to appear, an injunction was granted. The ruling stated that all written material, including books, papers and pamphlets that mentioned "orgone energy" had to be destroyed, and that further copies of Reich's books could not be published, including his revised classics like The Mass Psychology of Fascism, unless the words "orgone energy" were deleted.

In May 1956, Reich was arrested for technical violation of the injunction when an associate moved some orgone-therapy equipment across a state line, and Reich was charged with contempt of court . Once again, he refused to arrange a legal defense. He was brought in chains to the courthouse in Portland, Maine. Representing himself, he admitted to having violated the injunction and arranged for the judge to be sent copies of his books. He was sentenced to two years' imprisonment.

On June 5, 1956, FDA officials traveled to Orgonon, Reich's 200- acre estate near Rangeley, Maine, where they destroyed the accumulators, and on June 26 ,burned many of his books. On August 25, 1956 and again on March 17, 1960, the remaining six tons of his books, journals and papers were burned in the 25th Street public incinerator in New York 's lower east side.

Excerpted and edited from this Wikipedia entry.

Chobits and pieces

(from Chobits Vol 1 by Clamp)